An Ode to The Queen

We all have to turn down invitations from time to time. That's life.

Maybe your buddy tells you he has an extra ticket to the Cavs game and asks if you want to join, but there's a Beverly Hills, 90210 marathon on that night so you can't make it. Maybe a friend asks you to join her and her hot friends for dinner, but you hate hanging out with hot girls unless there's vodka and bad lighting involved so you decline. Maybe your boy asks you to skip town with him for a weekend trip to Mandalay Bay in Vegas, but you lost two grand and your dignity the last time you made that trip so you decide against it.

I'm no different. I've turned down many an invitation in my day. But there's one invitation that guarantees a positive response from yours truly: "Do you wanna go to Dairy Queen?"

My friends and family don't even have to ask me anymore. They know the answer. If DQ is involved in the plans just tell me when and where I need to be. I've never met a Dairy Queen I didn't like. When I move to a new place I immediately do three things: 1. Call the cable company to get cable set up. 2. Find the closest Taco Bell. 3. Find the closest Dairy Queen.

Can anyone honestly tell me they've ever had a bad experience at The Queen? I'm sure there's someone out there, so let me speak to that person: It was your fault. That's the only possible way to have a bad experience at DQ -- by screwing it up yourself. The Queen doesn't make mistakes. People do.

Dairy Queen exploded on to the American landscape in 1940 when the first store opened in Joliet, Illinois. Sixty-nine years, 5,900 DQ's, 21 foreign countries and billions of satisfied sweet tooths later The Queen is still going strong.

The Queen got so good at making ice cream goodness awhile back she decided, "Screw it, I'm gonna offer food, too!" But she was smart. Food isn't offered at every location. And even if it is, that particular DQ may only offer hot dogs and chicken sandwiches. No burgers. But two towns over you may stumble across burgers and chicken strips on the DQ menu. You just never know. Hey, you have to keep the ice cream maniacs guessing. Keep them wanting more. The Queen learned that long ago.

How are you supposed to get to the bottom of a Peanut Buster Parfait with a "normal" spoon? You're not. That's how. And even if you do you'll be left with vanilla ice cream staining your palm and wrist. DQ doesn't do normal spoons. She has her own spoons. That's how goddamn cool she is. Remember the spoons from back in the day? The ones that had an ice cream cone on the top? Maybe this will refresh your memory. Try eating a DQ treat with your average, silver spoon. It tastes like betrayal. Actually, it doesn't even taste.

Have you ever had amazing mixed with wonderful and a splash of fantastic? I had it the other day. I had a Blizzard. There is no "treat" on this planet that rivals the Blizzard. In fact, when most people think of DQ they automatically think of the Blizzard. I have a profound love for the Blizzard. I love the taste. I love the many different varieties (24 as of today by my count). I love that it comes in three different sizes depending on my mood. I love that it has its own Fan Club (over 2 million strong!). I love that a large Peanut Butter Butterfinger Blizzard provides you with more total fat (78 g) and saturated fat (27 g) than you should intake in an entire day, with a cool 1,480 calories thrown in for good measure. And, most all, I love the name. It's perfect -- Blizzard. I dream of myself standing outside in an actual blizzard. But the snow is vanilla ice cream. And, for some reason, there are ground up Oreo cookies flying around as well. All I'm armed with is a long red plastic spoon and an intense desire for ice cream goodness. I dream.

I have just one complaint to lodge with The Queen and all that is Blizzard. Whatever happened to the Nerds Blizzard? No one has the answer. Why did they stop selling it? It is a question my sister and I have wrestled with for years. It was easily our favorite Blizzard when we were kids. We would make the short walk with our cousins down to the DQ in Mogadore, eagerly anticipating that sweet taste of Nerds candy mixed with soft vanilla ice cream for the entire mile and a half walk. Then that sweet taste was stripped away from us. And we never got the memo. So, if anyone out there knows of any DQ on this planet that still sells the Nerds Blizzard please let me know. I will meet you there, and the Blizzard is on me.

For now, I will continue to enjoy each and every trip to Dairy Queen. It's the only place on earth where I'm incapable of "panic ordering." It never disappoints. Listen, you only go around this roller coaster one time. Enjoy it.

And do so with a long red plastic spoon.