Don't Test Me

I will hold off writing about John Calipari taking the reigns of the winningest college basketball program in history until it becomes official. But know this: I love it. More to come on that when it does become official (which will be very soon).

For now, I want to focus on the odyssey that has been my quest to become a legal driver in the great state of Ohio. Let me take you back to an ordinary weekday afternoon two weeks ago...

It's not often you show up at the DMV and there's no line. It must have been my lucky day. I strolled right up and told the pleasant middle-aged woman behind the counter that I had just moved back to the state and wanted to get my Ohio driver's license.

"Have you taken the test?" she asked matter of factly.

I was proud of myself. See, I had taken the iniative to get my emission check before I went to the DMV. For once, I was ahead of the game. My mom would be so proud. I knew that cars registered in Summit County had to pass an E-check. And the very helpful guy at the testing center informed me that the E-check was now free. But not for me. I would be charged $18 unless I had an Ohio driver's license or an Ohio title for my vehicle. Neither was the case. Off to the DMV. I figured getting my driver's license was the simplest of my two choices.

I figured.

"No," I started, gleeming with pride at the iniative I had taken. "I was actually just there and they told me it would cost me 18 dollars unless I had my Ohio license. So here I am."

The pleasant woman suddenly looked confused. I figured specifics were in order. "You mean the E-check? That's where I just came from."

The response came quickly. "No, the writing test."

It was right then and there that I knew the next few minutes would not be pleasant for myself or the middle-aged woman behind the counter.

"What writing test?"

"The test to get your driver's license."

"Like a driving test?"

"Well, it's not a driving test. It's just the written part."

"I have to take a test to get my license??"

"Yes."

"You realize I drove here, right?" She didn't appreciate that.

"Let me guess, it costs money to take the test?"

"Well, taking the test doesn't actually cost anything. But once you pass we give you a temporary permit and there's a fee for that."

Did I hear right? Temporary permit? Temporary permit like my mom will have to ride shotgun with me for the next month??

I couldn't believe it. I've been licensed to drive a motor vehicle for 12 years. I've held a driver's license in 3 states. When I showed up at the DMV in Wisconsin a few years back, they took the information off my Ohio license, took my picture and handed me a Wisconsin driver's license. Same thing in Pennsylvania. Now the state that orginally licensed me to drive a motor vehicle in the first place wanted me to take a test?! What about a test for this lady? I was disgusted.

"Do you guys do titles here? They said I could get Ohio plates and registration with an Ohio title."

"Yes, we do titles. Do you have a lien on your car?"

Here we go. She could see on my face that question didn't sit well.

"Yes. But it will be paid off in three months."

"If you have a lien you have to go to the title bureau. We can't do it here." Of course you can't. Because that would be way too easy. It would make way too much sense. It makes much more sense to have me drive 15 minutes in the opposite direction, stand in line and then go thru the same process with another pleasant middle-aged woman.

When did everything in this country become such a process? I don't think it was like this when I was a kid. I know it wasn't like this when my grandparents were kids. They told me. Where does the paperwork we are all forced to fill out for literally everything we do actually go? Who reads it over? Who files it? We can't do anything these days without jumping thru a million hoops. You know who I blame? Lawyers. The threat of getting sued has led to a myriad of paperwork for all of us.

Fill this out. Well, you have to drive there first and fill that out, and then come back here and fill out this. They didn't tell you you needed to fill that out? They should have. You weren't supposed to fill that out. Arrrhhh!! I guess I should be used to it in the ol' U-S of H. The United States of Hassle.

I went home and called the title bureau. The friendly (assumingly) middle-aged woman was very helpful. She sympathized when I gave her the details of the previous 30 minutes of my life.

"I'm sorry we haven't welcomed you back to Ohio a little better."

"It's not your fault. It just makes no sense to me why I would have to take a test. It's ridiculous!"

"Well, you have to keep up on the laws I guess."

"Ma'am, there are 90-year-olds driving right now. They can't see over the steering wheel. They prefer cobblestone or dirt over asphault. Speed limits mean nothing to them. Speed minimums maybe. I grabbed a quick nap in the time it took a 110-year-old woman to make a right turn in front of me last week. The Interstate Highway System was breaking ground the last, and only, time they took a driving test. They don't need updated on the laws?"

She laughed. I was definitely brightening her day.

What's happened in the five years I've been gone anyway? Did Ohio eliminate the yellow light in traffic lights? Do bridges here freeze last? Are stop signs optional? Can I turn on red? I do anyway. Are orange barrels no longer a part of the daily commute? Is drunk driving encouraged? If I stop and let someone in the other lane turn left in front of me, am I not allowed to get pissed if they don't throw up the Thank You Wave? Are cops allowed to sit in speed traps with their parking lights turned off? Oh.

Cut to two weeks and $75 later...

I have an Ohio title (albeit a memorandum title). I have Ohio license plates. I have Ohio registration. Ohio driver's license? Nope. Why? Principle.

My Pennsylvania license doesn't expire until 2011.