Don't Test Me

I will hold off writing about John Calipari taking the reigns of the winningest college basketball program in history until it becomes official. But know this: I love it. More to come on that when it does become official (which will be very soon).

For now, I want to focus on the odyssey that has been my quest to become a legal driver in the great state of Ohio. Let me take you back to an ordinary weekday afternoon two weeks ago...

It's not often you show up at the DMV and there's no line. It must have been my lucky day. I strolled right up and told the pleasant middle-aged woman behind the counter that I had just moved back to the state and wanted to get my Ohio driver's license.

"Have you taken the test?" she asked matter of factly.

I was proud of myself. See, I had taken the iniative to get my emission check before I went to the DMV. For once, I was ahead of the game. My mom would be so proud. I knew that cars registered in Summit County had to pass an E-check. And the very helpful guy at the testing center informed me that the E-check was now free. But not for me. I would be charged $18 unless I had an Ohio driver's license or an Ohio title for my vehicle. Neither was the case. Off to the DMV. I figured getting my driver's license was the simplest of my two choices.

I figured.

"No," I started, gleeming with pride at the iniative I had taken. "I was actually just there and they told me it would cost me 18 dollars unless I had my Ohio license. So here I am."

The pleasant woman suddenly looked confused. I figured specifics were in order. "You mean the E-check? That's where I just came from."

The response came quickly. "No, the writing test."

It was right then and there that I knew the next few minutes would not be pleasant for myself or the middle-aged woman behind the counter.

"What writing test?"

"The test to get your driver's license."

"Like a driving test?"

"Well, it's not a driving test. It's just the written part."

"I have to take a test to get my license??"

"Yes."

"You realize I drove here, right?" She didn't appreciate that.

"Let me guess, it costs money to take the test?"

"Well, taking the test doesn't actually cost anything. But once you pass we give you a temporary permit and there's a fee for that."

Did I hear right? Temporary permit? Temporary permit like my mom will have to ride shotgun with me for the next month??

I couldn't believe it. I've been licensed to drive a motor vehicle for 12 years. I've held a driver's license in 3 states. When I showed up at the DMV in Wisconsin a few years back, they took the information off my Ohio license, took my picture and handed me a Wisconsin driver's license. Same thing in Pennsylvania. Now the state that orginally licensed me to drive a motor vehicle in the first place wanted me to take a test?! What about a test for this lady? I was disgusted.

"Do you guys do titles here? They said I could get Ohio plates and registration with an Ohio title."

"Yes, we do titles. Do you have a lien on your car?"

Here we go. She could see on my face that question didn't sit well.

"Yes. But it will be paid off in three months."

"If you have a lien you have to go to the title bureau. We can't do it here." Of course you can't. Because that would be way too easy. It would make way too much sense. It makes much more sense to have me drive 15 minutes in the opposite direction, stand in line and then go thru the same process with another pleasant middle-aged woman.

When did everything in this country become such a process? I don't think it was like this when I was a kid. I know it wasn't like this when my grandparents were kids. They told me. Where does the paperwork we are all forced to fill out for literally everything we do actually go? Who reads it over? Who files it? We can't do anything these days without jumping thru a million hoops. You know who I blame? Lawyers. The threat of getting sued has led to a myriad of paperwork for all of us.

Fill this out. Well, you have to drive there first and fill that out, and then come back here and fill out this. They didn't tell you you needed to fill that out? They should have. You weren't supposed to fill that out. Arrrhhh!! I guess I should be used to it in the ol' U-S of H. The United States of Hassle.

I went home and called the title bureau. The friendly (assumingly) middle-aged woman was very helpful. She sympathized when I gave her the details of the previous 30 minutes of my life.

"I'm sorry we haven't welcomed you back to Ohio a little better."

"It's not your fault. It just makes no sense to me why I would have to take a test. It's ridiculous!"

"Well, you have to keep up on the laws I guess."

"Ma'am, there are 90-year-olds driving right now. They can't see over the steering wheel. They prefer cobblestone or dirt over asphault. Speed limits mean nothing to them. Speed minimums maybe. I grabbed a quick nap in the time it took a 110-year-old woman to make a right turn in front of me last week. The Interstate Highway System was breaking ground the last, and only, time they took a driving test. They don't need updated on the laws?"

She laughed. I was definitely brightening her day.

What's happened in the five years I've been gone anyway? Did Ohio eliminate the yellow light in traffic lights? Do bridges here freeze last? Are stop signs optional? Can I turn on red? I do anyway. Are orange barrels no longer a part of the daily commute? Is drunk driving encouraged? If I stop and let someone in the other lane turn left in front of me, am I not allowed to get pissed if they don't throw up the Thank You Wave? Are cops allowed to sit in speed traps with their parking lights turned off? Oh.

Cut to two weeks and $75 later...

I have an Ohio title (albeit a memorandum title). I have Ohio license plates. I have Ohio registration. Ohio driver's license? Nope. Why? Principle.

My Pennsylvania license doesn't expire until 2011.

Talk About Futility...

"...What the HELL is going on out there..." -- Vince Lombardi

That is exactly what I was thinking as I was watching the NCAA Tournament games this past weekend. Having already picked as poorly as a grown man could, going 21-11 in the first two rounds, I entered the Sweet 16 with 12 teams left, all eight Elite 8 teams as well as all of my Final Four teams. What happened next could only be described by this; You remember that scene in Necessary Roughness where Kathy Ireland's character gets knocked down by the linebacker from Kansas after kicking the game-tying field goal, and once she gets up she gives the brooding Jayhawk a nice solid kick to the groin....THAT'S HOW I FELT after last night.

According to the website pregame.com the odds of picking a PERFECT tournament bracket are 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 to 1. Apparently that is nine quintillion to one, so clearly picking a bracket is not easy, but picking a Final Four should be, seeing as no more than 10 teams have a legitimate shot to get there. When the tournament first started I felt very confident with a Final Four of Louisville, Memphis, Pitt and Oklahoma, with Pitt beating Louisville in the title game. I thought if nothing else three of those four teams were locks to get to Detroit. HAHAHAHA...if I couldn't laugh at myself I'd be dead by now.

Memphis gets a decent draw. Connecticut was I thought the most overrated 1 seed in the tournament, and a sweet 16 match-up against an untested team like Missouri was exactly what was going to get Memphis back to the Final Four. I overlooked one small fact however, the Memphis Tigers of Tyreke Evans and Robert Dozier are not the Memphis Tigers of Derrick Rose and Joey Dorsey. Also who would've thought a team that gives up less than 60 points a game would have a C-note dropped on it. Slight miscalculation on my part.

Oklahoma was definitely a questionable pick, but I figured Blake Griffin would have an easier time recovering from his concussion than Ty Lawson would from his toe injury. That was before I realized UNC coach Roy Williams was lying to me. Lawson misses the ACC Tournament and the 1st round game against Radford, and Williams then says he will play, but on a scale of 1-10 he will be about a 6....ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! Really? That was a 6? Thanks Roy I used to think you were a nice guy, but then again I didn't realize you subscribed to Bill Belichick Injury Report Quarterly.

Louisville was playing the best ball of any big conference team in the country heading into the tournament, and they were going to face off with the most overrated coach in the country in Bill Self in the Elite 8. Don't get me wrong, Self is one helluva recruiter, but he constantly fizzles out in the tournament (Illinois fans will agree with me), and it took a complete melt-down by Memphis for him to get his National Title. Through all of this however I forgot to follow my one rule to live by in the NCAA tournament; NEVER bet against a Tom Izzo coached team. He constantly gets more out of his team than any coach in the country, and wouldn't you know it in the 2nd halves against Kansas and Louisville he made Self, Pitino and myself look like schoolgirls.

I looked at Pitt and thought that even though they didn't win the Big East regular season or tournament title's they were championship worthy. Not having to play extra days in the Big East tourney would give Levance Fields a chance to get healthy, and Sam Young and DeJuan Blair are MAN-sters. I had seen Pitt play more than any other team this year (ACC excluded), and had tricked myself into thinking all of those close games were perfect practice for the NCAA tournament. Then Pitt decides that there is no need to double team the most dangerous man on the court, and by the time Scottie Reynolds got to half court I had started crying.

After working in television I came to one main conclusion that proves itself on a daily basis; The General Public is Generally Stupid. Apparently that theory applies to picking brackets now as well.

Rick Pitino Is Not Walking Through That Door...

"...Bob Dylan once wrote, The Times They Are a Changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song..."

Apparently Athletic Directors at large institutions throughout the country have yet to hear that song as well. In the wake of Billy Gillispie's firing from his post as head coach at Kentucky I think it is time for many of these schools to re-evaluate their "Holier Than Thou" attitude and realize that success is not given, it is earned.

This is an issue that has begun to gain momentum in the past decade or so in both big time college basketball and football. Schools such as Kentucky, Indiana, UCLA, Notre Dame and Nebraska feel as if it is their birthright to hoist a national championship trophy at the end of each season. They, and I quote numerous talk radio callers when I say this, feel that coaching the top team at their beloved institution is the "chance of a lifetime." Now I'm not saying that these are not great jobs, but one has to wonder with all of the scrutiny and criticism that come with these positions, is it really worth it?

Five years ago Charlie Weis stormed into South Bend, inherited a junior and senior laden team and took them to two straight BCS games and all was right in the World of the Golden Dome. Now we monitor his job status like we would a patient at Arkham Asylum.

Mike Davis took over for Bob Knight at Indiana in 2000, and within two seasons had the Hoosiers in a place they had not been since 1987; the National Championship Game, however because he didn't regularly get his teams to the Sweet 16, Elite 8, or dare I say it, back to the title game, he was fired after 6 seasons. In Bob Knight's final 6 seasons in Indiana he failed to get his teams past the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament.

Nebraska football still has yet to find a coach that could match the successes of the legendary Tom Osborne, and you know what, they probably never will.

UCLA basketball wins 10 titles in a 12 year span and all of a sudden the National Championship trophy is supposed to have UCLA engraved on it every year. UCLA does not even hang Final Four banners at Pauley Pavilion, they only hang championship banners. Do you know how many National Titles they have overall? 11. That means 1 outside of Wooden's 10.

What Billy Donovan has done at Florida is nothing short of miraculous, however if they have one more year in the NIT, don't you think some anonymous "For Sale" signs might start showing up in his front yard? Whether its right or wrong this is the reality of big time college sports these days.

The problem coaches are facing these days is the fact that while they still have to answer to the Athletic Director and the University President, they now have boosters who, and you can agree or disagree with me on this but its true, control most of the decision making that goes on in athletic departments. People forget Tubby Smith didn't get fired from Kentucky, HE LEFT!! Boosters need to let the coaches coach, and not only that, but let them coach THEIR style, not John Wooden's, or Rick Pitino's, or Lou Holtz's. Let the coaches be themselves and I guarantee you the results will come. Firing a COLLEGE coach after two years is not sending the right message, and for all of you Kentucky fans maybe you should listen to Rick Pitino's message and apply it to your situation.

An Intro to Greg

Honored.

That was my intial feeling when Will asked me to co-author this blog. Well, I guess confusion was actually my intial feeling. But as soon as I remembered who Will was, the feeling was definitely honored.

I'm kidding, of course. Will and I spent 18 glorious months working and living together in beautiful Johnstown, PA, not too long ago. In the words of the great Steve Winwood, Driscoll and I were definitely back in the high life... again. Our two-bedroom townhouse on Belmont Ave. was the Sistine Chapel of Johnstown living quarters. We worked at arguably the top local TV station east of the Mississippi. And money was no object. We weren't ordering off the Dollar Menu. If we wanted to go to Chili's for dinner, we did. If we wanted to catch a movie on Friday night instead of the matinee on Tuesday, we did. If we wanted to take a door off the hinges to make a beer pong table in the room just off our living room, we did. Hot girls took numbers outside our front door like customers at a deli. We were sports guys on TV for God's sake! Big Timers, if you will. Rules and laws are for Part Timers.

And then it all came crashing down. The news department got cut and we were out of a job. We thought we might be saved by large protests from our adoring fans. Those thoughts were put to rest when we were told we didn't have any. There were even rumors floating around that not one single person had watched one single newscast or sports program featuring Will or myself in the entire year and a half we worked at the station. We didn't believe it. We couldn't believe it.

How did this happen? Was it our fault? Probably. But you couldn't tell us that. In fact, we pointed the finger at everyone but ourselves. It was the only way we could cope. After the high of incredible success, failure is a bitter pill to swallow. Thankfully, failure was far from the only pill we swallowed during that time.

But this is the "comeback" segment of the Whitmer/Driscoll E! True Hollywood Story. We're 40 minutes into this program and you folks just tuned in. And you're definitely in for a treat. DVR the rest and fast-forward thru that last commercial. It is here that Will and myself will pour our thoughts on sports (and many other things) on to a computer screen for your enjoyment. We're excited. You should be, too.

A few things about me before I wrap up my first post...

I was born and raised in Akron, Ohio. I love where I grew up, but I'm glad I left for a few years and I don't mind being back for now. I refer to Ohio as "The O-H." I've lived in four states in two time zones since I've been out of college. Yes, I saw LeBron James play in high school. I love the Cleveland Cavaliers, Cleveland Indians, Denver Broncos and University of Kentucky basketball. The latter two are sort of random, but I have my reasons. I went to Ohio University in Athens and got my bachelor's degree in journalism. The going to OU part was a great idea. The journalism part? Not so much. I worked in local TV news for almost four years as a sports reporter and anchor. There are some things I miss about the job, and a lot more that I don't.

What else do you want to know? Do I love Taco Bell? Yes. Do I love Chipotle? Nope. Deal with it. Do I know the words to a lot of "boy band" songs? Yep. Am I embarrassed by that? Not at all. Do I think Jim Calhoun is a prick? Yes. Can I stand Chris Berman? No. Do I lose sleep at night wondering how a major sport in this day and age can justify determining its champion without using a playoff system at the end of the year? Yes. Do I think adding a playoff system to college football is the simplest solution to a problem in modern history? Absolutely. Do I love the NFL? Not really. Yep, I said it. Do I love the NBA? You're goddamn right I do! Is the NBA my favorite pro sport to watch in person? Nope. I gotta go with baseball there. Do I despise the fact that the University of Oklahoma goes by OU when semantics clearly point out that they should be known as the U of O? Yes. Is this because of my deep love for the real OU (Ohio University)?? Yes. Obviously. Is this the greatest 3:20 in recorded history? There is no doubt in my mind.

'Til next time...

Foul Shots: Random Thoughts from the Sweet 16, Basketball and Otherwise

1. Is Missouri THIS good, or was Memphis just overrated?
2. Is anyone else wondering how Villanova got such a favorable draw?
3. Pitt is not above a 5 or 6 seed without Levance Fields.
4. Purdue WILL be a factor for years to come.
5. Dick Enberg, while referencing Hasheem Thabeet's Scrabble prowess said Thabeet's name would actually be a good score in Scrabble. Silly Dick, proper names are NOT allowed in Scrabble.
6. Thabeet, however is one the best defensive centers I have seen in my lifetime.
7.Why was Bill Murray wearing that awful hat at the Pitt/Xavier game?
8. I hope Gerald Henderson comes back for his senior year.
9. Does Jay wright have sweat glands?
10. How much debt was Vin Diesel in that he had to do Too Fast, Too Furious?
11. Has Sam Young taken Greg Oden's label of, "Oldest Looking Collegiate Player"?
12. Going into last night I could not name 2 players on Mizzou.
13. I can now name two. Demarre Carroll, J.T. Tiller.
14. Is Rollie Massimino a "Don"?
15. Girlfriend Input; Why is Dick Enberg Orange? Gotta love her.
16. Over/Under on how many beatdowns Greg Gumbel delivered to his brother Bryant growing up. I'm setting the line at 2750 +/- Place your bets!
17. Villanova's "D" is swarming!
18. Is it just me, or does Purdue Coach Matt Painter look alot like Shane McMahon?
19. How many bites would it take for former Green Bay Packer Gilbert Brown to eat current Pitt Panther Gilbert Brown?
20. Get Youthenized!!!
21. Duke just isn't the same.
22. I want Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery to narrate one day of my life.
23. Better hair; Jamie Dixon or Mel Kiper Jr.?
24. Will John Calipari trade in his blue-suede shoes for Kentucky Bluegrass?
25. Observe and Report will be one of the best comedies of the year.

Red Sox Nation? I Liked It Better When It Was The Massachusetts Bay Colony

Let me first start off by saying I am a HUGE fan of the Boston Red Sox. In fact that statement does not even begin to do my allegiance to the Red Sox justice. To give you an idea of how big a fan I am I have actually had relationships (plural) end because of my passion for everything Sox. Recently however there is an aspect of being a Red Sox fan that has begun to annoy me, and that is RED SOX NATION!!!

Fans of the Boston Red Sox, like myself, are the most passionate fans in baseball, and are also among the most knowledgeable (sometimes, I'll admit we can definitely let our hearts get in the way of our heads). This new "Red Sox Nation" however, is nothing more than an insanely large group of bandwagon fans whose only contribution to society has been to turn every other sports fan against Red Sox fans. People used to love their home town team and whoever was playing the Yankees. Now you can lump whoever is playing the Red Sox in that category as well.

Now I know winning breeds contempt but this has gone too far. Prior to 2004 Red Sox fans were relegated to most of New England (Connecticut's iffy), and people like myself whose family is from Boston. For full disclosure purposes, I was born and raised in Norfolk, VA but I was raised knowing that if I rooted for any team other than the Red Sox my family would disown me. I spent my summers going to games at Fenway with my grandfather seeing everyone from The Rocket to Pedro, from The Hit Dog to Manny.

Quick quiz: All you Red Sox Nation members, who is the Hit Dog?

The problem now is you have a successful franchise, the only team with 2 titles this decade, and a legion of followers who couldn't even tell you who made the error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. Red Sox Nation invades visiting ballparks and makes an absolute mockery of true Red Sox fans, the ones that suffered through the close calls in '46, '67, '75, '86, and '03, prompting every other fan in attendance to contemplate homicide, not suicide, homicide. And unfortunately for Red Sox fans this problem is not exclusive to visiting ballparks. Never did I think I would see fans leaving a playoff game at Fenway in the 5th inning, but I saw it last year against the Rays and it made me sick to my stomach.

I'm a young Red Sox fan who has no idea what it was like for my grandfather and his peers growing up watching the Red Sox. He was 79 when he saw them win for the first time in his life, and I was 21. What I do know is that I am more of a Red Sox fan than probably every single card carrying member (seriously they have cards) of Red Sox Nation because one of the worst and one of the best days of my life so far have been because of the Red Sox. October 17th, 2003 and October 27, 2004. If you are a true Red Sox fan you know what each of those dates symbolize.

Too bad the Cubs will never win and take all of these fans with them.

Quiz Answer: Mo Vaughn.

Things That Need to Change: For My Sanity!!!

If you read my description for this blog you know that this is designed to be a sports blog written by a sports fan. So for my first ever post I have decided to let everyone know what changes I feel are necessary in the 4 major sports as well as NCAA Football and Basketball.

First lets start with an event currently taking place. Everyone loves the NCAA Tournament. Hell, even people (men and women) who don't watch one minute of college basketball all season fill out a tournament bracket, meaning this might be the best and most watched championship we have in America. That does not absolve the NCAA from needing to make changes to the tournament structure.
Now I realize my dream of a bracket involving all 334 Division 1 basketball teams will never come true, but an expansion from 65-68 teams is very feasible.
The NCAA currently uses a "play-in" game between #64 and #65 to see who gets the right to lose to the overall #1 seed in the tournament. This is not fair to #'s 61-63. A #16 seed has never and most likely WILL NEVER beat a #1, giving 64 and 65 the only legitimate shot to actually win an NCAA tournament game. If you expanded the field to 68 teams and have four play-in games, two on Tuesday and two on Wednesday before the tournament, then all of the lowest seeds in the tournament will have a legitimate shot at feeling the joy of winning a tournament game. The NCAA has three extra games with which to make more money, and teams like Chattanooga and Radford don't go home with the sole experience of losing by 56 and 43 points respectively.

Moving on to the NFL now seeing as this is the time of year the league conducts their owners meetings and rules changes are discussed, digest this one why don't ya. Expand the playoffs to 7 teams from each conference and only give the number 1 seed in each conference the bye week. With the expansion to 4 divisions in each conference it has become abundantly clear that one mediocre team, at least, will make the playoffs every year due to winning a poor division (see 2008 San Diego Chargers, 8-8) and one decent team will be left out due to only two wild card spots (see 2008 Patriots 11-5, 2007 Browns 10-6). If the NFL expands to 7 teams from each conference it would have 3 games in each conference on Wild Card Weekend and then 4 teams left in each conference the following weekend. WORKS OUT PERFECTLY!!!

Major League Baseball: SHORTEN YOUR SEASON back to 154 games. There is no need to be playing playoff baseball in Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Cleveland, Detroit or any other city where there is a threat of snow. Look at last years World Series and the 1997 World Series in Cleveland for your references. Word is Game 7 this year would be on November 6, and we call them the boys of SUMMER!!

Hey David Stern, why do you need 3 or 4 days in between Games 1 and 2 of a first round playoff series? The Answer: YOU DONT! I'll give you a pass on the terrible officiating seen in the NBA these days but there is no need for the playoffs to last nearly half as long as an actual season does.

For all you hockey fans out there, ( yes some still do exist ), first thing Gary Bettman should do is cut the number of teams in the league by half. In fact that is something all commissioners should do. Secondly, and I know its tradition but get rid of the blue lines and offsides. You want to see more scoring, thats how you do it.

Finally, College Football. Do I really need to say it........PLAYOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And thats it, my girlfriend may have stopped listening to me but I'm supposed to listen now. Check back soon.